The word discipline means “to teach” and is an expression of love. Discipline is behavior guidance, not punishment. The best starting point for behavior guidance is to respect children and their needs. Remember, each child is an individual and what works for one may not work for another.

Children need discipline for several reasons. Discipline instills an understanding of the concept of right and wrong. Behavior guidance helps children learn self-control and teaches respect for the rights and feelings of others. Discipline increases the chance of children growing up to be happy adults. Behavior guidance protects children.

Prevention Techniques

One key to behavior guidance is to prevent problems before they occur. A child’s developmental level should always be considered when disciplining. You can indirectly guide a child’s behavior with schedules or routines, the environment, your disposition, setting rules and limits, and by giving choices.

Schedules/Routines - Children need routines to feel secure in knowing their needs will be met. Meal times and nap times should be consistent.

Environment - Toddlers will be practicing their motor skills and curiosity, so baby-proof your home. By placing objects out of reach, you will avoid having to say "Don't touch that" and "No, keep out of there."

You Disposition -  Your disposition affects your child's behavior. If you are feeling stressed and out of control, chances are the child will feel the same way. Be a good role model by staying calm, relaxed and positive in your approach. Bend down and talk at the child's level. Maintain eye contact. Give positive commands instead of negative ones, such as "We sit in the chair," instead of "Don't stand on the chair."

Use "No" Sparingly - This is mostly used with toddlers. The reason you say "no" is to stop the child's behavior. Saying "no" too often loses its effectiveness and will not stop the behavior. A toddler who is told "no" a lot actually gets into more trouble than a toddler whose home is child-proofed so she can explore with less restriction.

Give Verbal Warnings - Have respect for the toddler. Rather than picking him up without a word, explain what you are going to do as you pick him up and carry him. Give advance warning when you will be changing activities. This helps children of all ages prepare for a transition.
     Example: "In five minutes, it will be time to pick up the toys and eat lunch."

Setting Rules and Limits - Children need rules and limits. Children will put these to the test, but need them to feel safe and secure. Limits provide guidelines for behavior and convey a message of trust between you and your child. Rules should be kept simple and to a minimum. Young children can remember just a few key rules. Encourage the child to help create the rules. Rules should be specific.
     Example: Instead of saying, "Be nice," say "We do not hit others."
Try to state the rule as a positive. Instead of "No running in the house," say "We walk in the house." Most important, keep the rules consistent.

Give Choices - Choices allow the child to have some control and assert independence. Keep choices simple and allow the child to change his mind. Give only choices you are willing to accept.
     Examples: "Do you want to read a story or play with the puzzle?"
     "Do you want cereal or pancakes for breakfast?"

Ineffective Behavior Guidance

Research has shown that corporal punishment is harmful to children. Avoid ineffective ways of guiding a children's behavior. Much research has been done regarding corporal punishment, such as slapping and spanking, as a method of behavior guidance.

Corporal punishment causes children to obey only out of fear - Children fail to learn self-discipline, and often learn to misbehave without getting caught.

Being spanked or slapped humiliates and demeans the child and the adult -Many have heard an adult say, "This hurts me more than it is going to hurt you," as the child is being spanked. Being an authority figure means you are trusted and respected, not that you are feared.

Spanking sets a violent example and is an abuse of power - Spanking conveys the message that hitting is okay and, especially if you are bigger and stronger, it is okay to hit. This is often confusing to a child because he is told not to hit others.

Spanking can lead to abuse - An adult may lose control as frustration builds. If spanking is used to discipline, you may find yourself spanking more and harder to have the same effect on the child.

Effective Strategies

There are several ways to effectively guide a child's behavior. Discipline should come immediately after the misbehavior or the child will not make the connection between the wrong doing and discipline. Always separate how you feel about the behavior from how you feel about the child.

Redirection is leading the child into another activity. You may need to hold the child's hand as you guide her to a different activity.
     Example: If a child is throwing blocks, give her a ball.
     Say, "Here's a ball. Can you throw it to me?"

Positive Reinforcement is praising behavior you find appropriate. Give the child a lot of attention and catch her being good. If a child receives more attention being naughty, bad behavior will be reinforced.
     Example: "I like the way you color on the paper."

Time Out is time spent away from others or from a stressful situation in order for the child to regain control of emotions. For toddlers, time out can be a quiet activity or resting in an area away from noise and stimulation. One minute per year of age should be the maximum time spent in time out (two minutes for a two year old). When the child has regained control of his emotions, he should be allowed to rejoin others in a group.

Selective Ignoring is a way of not paying attention to a child's misbehavior. This is especially useful with temper tantrums. Always be sure the child cannot harm herself, others or property! Once you know the environment is safe, walk away and do not pay attention to the behavior. You may want to say, "I'll be in the other room. When you are finished having your tantrum, you may come in." Praise the child when she has regained control and the tantrum has ended.

When-Then Statements include what you want the child to do and what he wants to do. Always state what you want as the "when," and what the child wants as the "then."
     Examples: "When you have taken a bath, then I will read you a book."
    "When you have picked up your toys, then you may go outside to play."

Strategies For Older Children

The previous techniques can be used with children of all ages. With older children (those with adequate verbal skills), you can also use these techniques:

Include the child in problem solving - Listen to the child's opinions and suggestions. Ask, "How can we solve this problem?" With each suggestion, ask the child "What would happen if you (suggestion)?" You may be surprised how well children can solve problems if given the chance.
     Example: Susie and Sarah both want to play with the same doll. Ask, "How can we solve this problem since there are two of you and one doll?" Susie and Sarah may decide 1) neither gets to play with the doll; 2) Susie can play with the doll for five minutes and then Sarah gets a turn; or 3) They can play with the doll together. After listening to their suggestions, ask which one they prefer.

Natural and logical consequences - Allow the child to experience the natural consequences of behavior and to be responsible for making appropriate choices.
     Examples: It is cold outside. The child wants to wear shorts. The consequence is he gets cold and may decide to wear long pants the next day. You can say to the child, "You can pick up your blocks, or you do not get to play with them for the rest of the day." If the child does not pick up the blocks, he has chosen not to play with them for the rest of the day.

The information was developed by The Family Conservancy from a variety of professional resources. This is not a standardized measurement tool.